historical Hysteria ...theme thursday, of course!

Great Moments in History

The Big Bang. (stop laughing, Michael).
Apparently there was something very small, smaller than a flea, and it got so small that it couldn't get any smaller, so it blew up. This all happened in the middle of nothing, a void so filled with nothingness that it was without merit completely. It was The Great Void, named by nobody, because there was nothing.

God Creates the Earth. He did this on the first day, then messed about with light and water and the firmament and stuff. Then on the fifth day He started on the fish and birds, then the next day started in on animals and Man. Kind of like a kid playing with modeling clay, and after a bit He got tired of it all and made cable TV. The end.

Dinosaurs supposedly ruled the Earth. Dinosaurs are a myth. Nothing as big as a dinosaur could ever exist. With their large stomping feet they would cause earthquakes and mess up gardens. Their tremendous excrement would have filled the lakes and oceans and suffocated every other living thing...they would have caused the first black plague and all succumbed to dinosaur-typhoid.
Also, it is said they ruled the Earth for 150 million years. And in all that time they never discovered the internet!? It has taken humans less than a couple million years to do that, plus we put a man on the moon—a natural evolutionary jump, because why else would the moon be there?
My arguments are sound, next... Vintage Roadside @Flickr

The Wheel. Cartoons depict the discovery this way: Ancient man—a weirdo from the tribe Beardo—chips away at a roundish looking rock and makes a circular disc in the shape of a wheel. Later cartoons depict this Troglodyte in a leopard skin frock riding in a stone wheeled vehicle; but brakes and shoes for feet were not yet invented, creating a flourishing market for skilled podiatrists.

Food. Until this time everybody (meaning ancient people and other animals) ate each other or mud. The earlier invention of fire (which wasn't really an invention because what happened was, Sven was out behind the hut playing with rocks and sticks and accidentally lit a goat on fire. As long as he had the goat going, he lit up a cigarette. Whereupon dad came out and whooped him with a stick, thus inventing the club) made the cooking of meat possible and then some French cavemen came along with truffles and that's the rest of the story...

Cannon balls. These are a natural extension to the wheel. Only rounder. Used at first as very large and heavy marbles, it was discovered in a heated match that the cannon balls could be lifted and dropped on unsuspecting marble rivals. Soon this was looked out for and the cannon-marbles had to be flung for surprise, but this involved the use of several brawny men, so it wasn't a useful tactic for long. Eventually other systems were employed until the final culmination of the cannon came about. Of course the cannon led to bigger and better inventions like cruise missiles and Star Wars. Whoever has the biggest and best cannon wins all the marbles!

Martians and Hell. Inventions to keep the people under control. Thus began the age(s) of domination, wherein everybody alive is subject to someone else, and nobody is free. This works best when applied to mandatory dress codes.

what the...?

All other inventions are secondary to the above major Historical discoveries. There is one last major innovation yet to be conceived, and scientists all around the world are striving to correct this:

A cure for the Hiccups.