And because of all those gazillions of little sour cherries popping out so abruptly like neon store signs , I have seen things on my lawn that I never knew existed . Mostly funny looking birds with crests and racing stripes . And some fat ground squirrels that scrounge around in the mulch picking out the leftovers . The strangest creatures of all , though , are the neighbors .
Imagine the sight ! For this I rummaged through the coat bin for my binoculars . You should have seen these crazy people . They would sneak into my yard under the cover of dusk camouflaged by pith helmets and tied on leafy branches , just to disappear into the folds of that cherry tree . One guy actually had big red cherry spots stamped onto his brown and green mottled skin . He wore a bear skin Speedo .
Imagine the sight ! For this I rummaged through the coat bin for my binoculars . You should have seen these crazy people . They would sneak into my yard under the cover of dusk camouflaged by pith helmets and tied on leafy branches , just to disappear into the folds of that cherry tree . One guy actually had big red cherry spots stamped onto his brown and green mottled skin . He wore a bear skin Speedo .
They all of them carried Tupperware bowls .
A grandmother smuggled in her daughter’s kids and hoisted each of them up onto a branch then scuttled into obscurity behind a yew .
Strange , yeah . If I had known that the little ten dollar tree I bought on clearance was going to fruit out and attract such a diverse crowd , then I probably would have opted for a more expensive specimen tree that would merely sit still and look pretty . Then maybe the usual worm eating birds would hang around its branches tweeting and at most people would drive by and roll down the windows to ‘ooh and ahhh’ , then drive off to wherever they drive off to .
Car people .
This got me to thinking … I need to design my own tree . A tree that will look and behave the way I want it to ; no surprises . And I don’t want to wait 25 years for it to grow into whatever form I desire it to appear in . That makes sense , to me : twenty-five years is a long time when you’re already starting to be on the edge of getting old .
First , this tree needs to be bio-engineered to grow fast , yet strong . Who wants a big tree that is only going to break apart every time a strong wind blows through ? Some math person can figure this out using Einstein’s theory of relativity : The tree’s chromosomes or whatever will cause it to jump forward into time --maybe two weeks , or a month -- every couple nights until at such a time it gains sufficient girth and height , while all the while seemingly staying in our present time . At that point there should be introduced some stimulus to halt its rapididity . That’s a new word I coined to explain its rapididity . See rapididity .
I’m sure this rapid growth might cause some problems … like the area around the tree might be so depleted of nutrients during the rapididity that the area around the trunk might become a sinkhole , what with the root system sucking the life out of everything in its range .
Way 1 to deal with this problem : Stockpile dirt and fertilizers and mulch to continually supplement the feeding cycle of the tree .
Way 2 : keep pantry and refrigerator full and easily accessible to foraging tree roots that make their way into your kitchen for late night snacks .
Actually the best way to engineer this tree would be to build a spaceship and send all of the earth’s people into an orbit beyond our galaxy for , say , 6 months , then come back to earth . It will be a nice vacation and all the folks will see stars and stuff and get to swim at the in-habitat pool and walk upside down on upside down Tuesdays , then they will land back on the earth and everyone will have a nice big bio-engineered tree in their front yard ; because while they were away on vacation the earth will have aged 50 years .
That was the easy part . Now the harder , but funner , part . If you are going to the trouble of engineering a new tree , then you may as well design it from bottom up : trunk , bark , branching structure , etc .I prefer my tree trunk to be rather huge , and ridged kind of wavy-like . Like Ruffles . And the bark may as well be salty and good with dip . It should be branchy like some sort of locust tree , or a wild African Baobab that looms over the plains ; big enough to shelter a herd of elephants , or at least keep the rain off of picnickers .
Good structure is fine , especially in the off season , when the leaves fall and snow covers the bare branches . Come springtime we all want leaves , and flowers . The leaves should be rounded and lobed , some combination of a red oak and a mulberry and maybe a sweet gum . Asymmetrical at times , but not always . A little diversity is a nice touch . Also , th
e leaf should be multi-colored , like a European tri-color Beech , but more or less golden on the underside , which would turn up in the evenings and shimmer as the sun sets .
e leaf should be multi-colored , like a European tri-color Beech , but more or less golden on the underside , which would turn up in the evenings and shimmer as the sun sets .The flower should be a good compliment to the leaf , blending in attractively much like the Tulip Poplar’s bloom does . I think perhaps I’d enjoy a pale silvery rose-like bloom , hanging in clusters like a Japanese cherry blossom .
Last I must address the seed pod , which in some trees is no
thing but a menace . Take for example the silver maple tree , which we have many of and can be quite attractive trees , and fast growing , which is why there are so many thousands and millions of them all over the land and maybe even floating through space . But their whirligig little helicopter seed pods can and will flit and flutter and land everywhere until every square inch of the earth is covered an inch thick with them and then to make things worse , two weeks later there are maple seedlings growing out of every nook and cranny including your gutters and the sneakers you left out on the porch after mowing the lawn last night .
thing but a menace . Take for example the silver maple tree , which we have many of and can be quite attractive trees , and fast growing , which is why there are so many thousands and millions of them all over the land and maybe even floating through space . But their whirligig little helicopter seed pods can and will flit and flutter and land everywhere until every square inch of the earth is covered an inch thick with them and then to make things worse , two weeks later there are maple seedlings growing out of every nook and cranny including your gutters and the sneakers you left out on the porch after mowing the lawn last night .My new tree will have seedpods , how else will it propagate , by mitosis ? I don’t know what that is . The pods should be oth
erworldly , like the sweet gum’s funny little monkey balls , but mobile , like the cottonwood , and absolutely unobtrusive , like a … like a Snickers bar . Because the second the seed pod falls it will either bury itself into the turf or get eaten up by a squirrel or some winged thing , or a wandering naturalist . Maybe it should be a tasty nut with feathery red and yellow tendrils that catch the thermals and floats hither and yon until it drifts into some open car window , whereupon the driver , while detained by a red light , will snag it from the ether , shell it quickly and snork it down , then look around for more tasty airborne treats , manna from heaven , and probably cause a fender bender . 
erworldly , like the sweet gum’s funny little monkey balls , but mobile , like the cottonwood , and absolutely unobtrusive , like a … like a Snickers bar . Because the second the seed pod falls it will either bury itself into the turf or get eaten up by a squirrel or some winged thing , or a wandering naturalist . Maybe it should be a tasty nut with feathery red and yellow tendrils that catch the thermals and floats hither and yon until it drifts into some open car window , whereupon the driver , while detained by a red light , will snag it from the ether , shell it quickly and snork it down , then look around for more tasty airborne treats , manna from heaven , and probably cause a fender bender . 
All that is well and good , but what about a name ? This is new tree variety , so of course Oak and Fichus are out ; we need something original and perhaps slightly archaic . Greek-ish , or French-ish , or Hawaiian-ish .
I’ll think of something , maybe you will . Toodles ; I’m going to sit out and dream of my tree and how it will look standing majestically in my yard . And I need some interesting bushes and flowers to go around it … and groundcover , and some kind of hummingbird to help with pollination …
