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Look at their eyes
the funny ways they move,
wouldn't you care
to have a few
tickets you can share
with a friend or two
to see chameleons with
their shifting hues?

Come into the house,
the best funhouse, my dear;
here you can be scared
yeah, but have no fear
of the big mouth on the wall
or of the eyeball mirror;
maybe they might drool a bit,
mostly they just leer.

Here the lizards lounge
in various shades of green
and twitching eyes will see you by,
like something from a dream.
Don't worry they don't bite
besides they're pretty clean
and only menace vermin
if you know just what I mean.

Go through the next door
and see the clowny feet,
it is the only part
that the scalies leave.
Dog boy howls alone
and the bearded ladies weep
so it's safe to go in now,
while the culprits are asleep.

Yeah, the funhouse is a hoot
we're sure you will concur
all you scoundrels seeking thrills
or virgins white and pure.
While lines out front are long
our patrons who once were
walking on two feet
now are folks du jour!

the good fight

Real-estate in the combat zone
could be bought for french fries,
now that the diminutive pixie-niks
trimmed their flamboyant locks
subsequently sprouting inversely.

One inch of flowing mane proved the
worth of twelve delving root buggers
—in width—
and the pixie-niks blossomed into
ten foot monstrosities, banging
on tin lids with the shin bones
of disinterred mastodons.

Spending time betwixt 425 Rhododendron Dr.
and the permafrost,
these shaved behemoths
scavenged and picked at their leisure.
The neighborhood watch hung up
its spurs and cowered in cellars,
polished off caches of dusty wine
and stale crackers.
Hardening cheese had long since been offered
as tribute: why not?, as the
noses of pixie-niks could
discern one part cheese
from a million parts unwashed manflesh
and once detected would not
be unsmelled.

A rapid cheese sniffing-nik
could dig out a cellar in moments,
as was discovered at
425 Rhododendron Dr,
now a sinkhole and icebox bone-yard
filled with white beige stainless coffins;
empty of all but the mold
they grow of their own volition.

Little could they know,
those cringers,
that retro-kin of Flingon,
bastard-spawn of a Batwing Zephyr
thrown into reverse,
would save Rhododendron Dr.
spilling pletheri of home-brewed Rogaine,
and too revealing his splendorous visage,
unwrapping mummified appendages
and golden glowing he says
'pull my finger'
and the rubber pixie-niks
like sopping Chia-pets ®
bloom in tinctured neon's,
plucked like suckers
by children and named;
names like WeeWillyWinkie,
SallyPinkPony and Petard,
hoist on the shoulders of
boisterous boys and girls
and spent like pennies
discarded for the
pleasures of a new day.

btw, Merrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry Christmas !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nonsense, nothing else.

Notice to Whosoever feels inclined to Attend.

Festivities for Just Because
begin at the adjustable moment of Translucence,
for the duration.

Bring a hat to share.

Services for the Secularites bounce between
this now that and then
and segue to the Alibi Club
for the bored again Christians.

In the Red Tent a revival intended
for the betterment of the existentially perforated
includes bouncing
plus a dram of quafuel
followed by cinnamon cookies
supplied by the ladies spongebath auxiliary,
bring your own folding chair.

An adjectable piss-off contest
between two opposing community colleges
will be held inside the red lines
near the Scalding Lake of Pain.
Losers take a bath.

See disclaimer form for complete description
of fees, prizes, and a complimentary pass
for one eternity of your choice.

Accordion music by
the gargling Dastardly Brothers,
or if you prefer
the bingo tent is on fire—
cook at your leisure and win
fun, fleeting gifts.

Drops of water catered
by Lazarus
for a mere liver flaying.

Enjoy your stay!

historical Hysteria ...theme thursday, of course!

Great Moments in History

The Big Bang. (stop laughing, Michael).
Apparently there was something very small, smaller than a flea, and it got so small that it couldn't get any smaller, so it blew up. This all happened in the middle of nothing, a void so filled with nothingness that it was without merit completely. It was The Great Void, named by nobody, because there was nothing.

God Creates the Earth. He did this on the first day, then messed about with light and water and the firmament and stuff. Then on the fifth day He started on the fish and birds, then the next day started in on animals and Man. Kind of like a kid playing with modeling clay, and after a bit He got tired of it all and made cable TV. The end.

Dinosaurs supposedly ruled the Earth. Dinosaurs are a myth. Nothing as big as a dinosaur could ever exist. With their large stomping feet they would cause earthquakes and mess up gardens. Their tremendous excrement would have filled the lakes and oceans and suffocated every other living thing...they would have caused the first black plague and all succumbed to dinosaur-typhoid.
Also, it is said they ruled the Earth for 150 million years. And in all that time they never discovered the internet!? It has taken humans less than a couple million years to do that, plus we put a man on the moon—a natural evolutionary jump, because why else would the moon be there?
My arguments are sound, next... Vintage Roadside @Flickr

The Wheel. Cartoons depict the discovery this way: Ancient man—a weirdo from the tribe Beardo—chips away at a roundish looking rock and makes a circular disc in the shape of a wheel. Later cartoons depict this Troglodyte in a leopard skin frock riding in a stone wheeled vehicle; but brakes and shoes for feet were not yet invented, creating a flourishing market for skilled podiatrists.

Food. Until this time everybody (meaning ancient people and other animals) ate each other or mud. The earlier invention of fire (which wasn't really an invention because what happened was, Sven was out behind the hut playing with rocks and sticks and accidentally lit a goat on fire. As long as he had the goat going, he lit up a cigarette. Whereupon dad came out and whooped him with a stick, thus inventing the club) made the cooking of meat possible and then some French cavemen came along with truffles and that's the rest of the story...

Cannon balls. These are a natural extension to the wheel. Only rounder. Used at first as very large and heavy marbles, it was discovered in a heated match that the cannon balls could be lifted and dropped on unsuspecting marble rivals. Soon this was looked out for and the cannon-marbles had to be flung for surprise, but this involved the use of several brawny men, so it wasn't a useful tactic for long. Eventually other systems were employed until the final culmination of the cannon came about. Of course the cannon led to bigger and better inventions like cruise missiles and Star Wars. Whoever has the biggest and best cannon wins all the marbles!

Martians and Hell. Inventions to keep the people under control. Thus began the age(s) of domination, wherein everybody alive is subject to someone else, and nobody is free. This works best when applied to mandatory dress codes.

what the...?

All other inventions are secondary to the above major Historical discoveries. There is one last major innovation yet to be conceived, and scientists all around the world are striving to correct this:

A cure for the Hiccups.

ends with epsilon

Hearsay; following implosion of our first moon,
Pylon Guardians patrolled the dubious 3rd Quarter
and at Aurora Intersect issued
a triplicate Agitation-certificate to one
dislodged B-movie monster.

...likewise Comchex the botanic
super sleuth had embezzled twelve
pristine gardenias in a sting attempt,
and in accordance with parole perimeters
set up camp in
Pylon acquisitions District Oh (!)

As a result
a superimposed Pylon—inlaid and buffed—
took proffered bait & fell
bassackwards into a manhole opening
becoming an inverted
Teflon-wasp trap and remained there
in perpetuity (with)
scheduled release for
2192 and time served.
A backlog of waspy relocation invocationals
were wiped clean
and Comchex faced the Endowment Tribunal
for to receive the prestigious
superseded Medal of Anthropomorphic Relations
thus being released for good behavior
and in lieu of financial gain thus
having been placed in productive custody
to wear squirtful petunias
for the random watering of organ
grinder monkeys and silly
bureaucratic waffle mongers.

A Pylon barricade built to withstand
flotsam and jetsam with spare parts
unhinged and sprung loose, spilling
defunct Pylon pieces onto the
Aurora Intersect, and Comchex,
renamed Herb III the Wheel Baron,
released aforementioned
citated movie monster
onto the Quarter who wherein thus did
defile and #2 on its Agitation certificate
and gobsmacketh the Pylon pile
into another low-earth orbit.

Space Station orphans with microfibers
reconnected various parts into
conglomerates, thus forging
a new territory named for Herb III
but secretly called Moon Unit
to re-inflate Tidal pride,
saving this earth
from a wobbly existence.

So the Pylons, while a temporary
scourge in history,
evolved as a wonder of the skies
and a home for displaced
galactic children,
and Comchex aka Herb III
was memorialized forever
in iron and rust
on space-comflaberation Moon Unit,
a bright spot in the firmament.

End of report dot dot dot

Happy Holidays...don't drink & drive

this is brutal...it had me cringing and sweating. TYWKIWDBI

Snow More! Starring Toby the Designer Wonder Mutt!

Dear Santa, i have been a good dog and no it wasn't me who ate the tree ornaments and it's not me who chews on socks. Oh yeah, it is just a vicious rumour that i eat holes through bath towels and jump up on the garbage can and mooch dinners off the coffee table. You see, i am a sweet and lovable and playful little pup who could never ever do a naughty thing.

Can i have a bone?