Bread, What a Hoot!

Rick Stemmler's photostream on Flickr. This is in my city of Fort Wayne, and during the summer months you can walk around the downtown area, and wherever you are you will smell the bread baking. Mmmmmm.

They'd stand at the bar and put bread in my jar and say, 'man what are you doing here'.

No, bread isn't a Billy Joel invention, rather a concoction of dough and flour that dates back to the neolithic period. The Neolithites are generally known as the Harbingers of Doom! because they rounded off the stone age around 9500 BC. A funny little group named the Natufians started producing a bread-like substance out of mashed wheat and water and boxed it up for sale to the Croutonians who liked theirs with goat milk. Soon after baking bread and farming and such, they started to make bronze weapons, thus began the cereal wars and I think you know the rest of that story.

Back in the olden days when making the bread, they worked as a team. One guy would crush the grain and another would be mixing everything up. He'd say, 'Hey Crunk, I'm running low on endosperm, hurry it up over there!' and Crunk would smack Murry with a mallet. 'Ug, sorry; Crunk lose grip on endosperm separator.'

The Germans eat a kind of bread, spelt, which they call Dinklebrot. Hey, they can call it whatever they want—it's their bread. I make a sandwich with whole wheat, salami, American cheese and dressing that I call Louise; to each his own!

Lately bread has gotten a bad reputation and has become the enemy of many. Milk has also found itself being ostracized by many hating groups of Milk Beraters! Together the Wheat and Milk haters refuse to eat or drink of these poor abused food products and even join forces with Twinkie Avengers, Go! in such radical activities as foregoing junk food and other tasty delights. They go so far as to eat no pretzels and put rice noodles in their spaghetti dishes instead of pasta—what would Lady and the Tramp think? Egad! Some will use soy milk instead of the regular cow juice! Barbaric. Supermarket aisles are being divided in this time of food revolution, and soon whole families will be at war and fighting over the grocery cart. Check-lanes will be the site of epic food melees, making Animal House look like that one episode of Teletubbies where friendly little green tubby Elmo burps into a napkin and all the other putrid bloated tubbies giggle. Then the tubby Hoo-hee climbs over a bench and smacks Elmo on the coat hanger and Elmo's head goes awry and that bitch Thelmatubby throws a tantrum and rips Palumbawumpuses's furry arms off and shoves them up Hoo-hee's bottom. Remember that one?

szczuk123's photostream, flickr

Bread is really a concoction of many things and includes stuff like riboflavin and thiamine and yeast, which are these tiny little animals called eukarytes that go around asexually reproducing. Religious groups have no problem with this and even mention bread an awful lot in the bible. It is very important that people are properly married and also properly married to authorized mates before they start reproducing, asexually or otherwise—although in some religions unauthorized reproduction techniques are also a no-no—but it's OK for yeast and monkeys to fool around without ceremony. Man, life is so unfair!

For more on bread, go here: Theme Thursday! Woo-hoo! You'll learn lots.

mailto:Gret@Lorenz photostream on Flickr