Vegetables suck !

Animal, mineral or vegetable?

I was a wee lad, just a boy, and my first recollection of any kind was of a terrible vegetable, the turnip.
To this day I don’t know what a turnip is, except that it is cruel, and white, and it lingers in dark places.

It has a friend, this turnip; it is something vague and leafy. What it is, I’m not sure: be it kale or spinach or another strange variety of green; who can say. This I know, it is green, but not in a good way.

Peas are things straight out of a nightmare. Green, and round, and worse than that, they are from a pod!
Contained, they are not to be feared; they lay thus, quiet, impotent in their shells…You can imagine the rest.

Any legume is a litany in boredom. Z’s compound daily and form a soup of mottled green and brown and spotted legumes. Plus it is a funny word designed to confuse or incur violent oaths. Like “Great Sprouts!” or “Garbanzo!”

Then if not that is bad enough, we have the knot heads arguing over the vegetabality of the tomato. E freakin’ Gads! Is it a fruit, or is it a vegetable? Who gives a rip, get that red squashed runny thing off my plate. Gorgs!

This being said, nothing is better than a great steak piled high with onions. Onions! The scariest of all vegetables: White as a ghost, pungent and foul enough to bring a man to tears. And their rag-tag hang about cousin garlic. Such a combo is unheard of, unless you count fig and newton, but they are just a myth.

Beware, then, the Vegetable…and believe what they say (who is this ‘they’), You Are What You Eat!