So…
I’m running through this neighborhood and three people end up swearing at me . There are no sidewalks , which actually turns out to be a good thing , for me , as a runner , right ? The streets are asphalt and that is a much better running surface ; better on the old knees . Sidewalks are usually concrete and concrete is bad on the knees . Honestly , if you care all that much about your knees then running is probably not a very good idea ; try checkers .
The first person to swear at me is some guy in a pick-up truck . He pulls past me then starts backing up right in front of me into his driveway ; I slow down , then he stops and then I speed up and run by . He honks at me and of course I call him a dumb **** . So he swears at me . So I say something like , “Go ahead and run me over you over-large Oprah-loving couch hugging poor excuse for a Frito dipping Bandito , and yeah , I really like your goat .” I’m not sure if I was referring to his stupid beard or the woman who was busting out the springs of the passengers seat next to him . He probably would have chased me down and squished me if she hadn’t grabbed the steering wheel and waved ice cream in front of his face .
The first person to swear at me is some guy in a pick-up truck . He pulls past me then starts backing up right in front of me into his driveway ; I slow down , then he stops and then I speed up and run by . He honks at me and of course I call him a dumb **** . So he swears at me . So I say something like , “Go ahead and run me over you over-large Oprah-loving couch hugging poor excuse for a Frito dipping Bandito , and yeah , I really like your goat .” I’m not sure if I was referring to his stupid beard or the woman who was busting out the springs of the passengers seat next to him . He probably would have chased me down and squished me if she hadn’t grabbed the steering wheel and waved ice cream in front of his face .
The second person was on a skateboard and she was trying to fly a kite while pushing off backwards and she was on the wrong side of the street . Actually , so was I ; but walkers and runners are supposed to be on the wrong side of the street so they can keep an eye on oncoming traffic … so as not to be squished unaware . It is better to be squished aware . That way you can utter a quick prayer as you are being squished . Something like , “Our Father ,” splat . It’s the thought that counts right ? Of course , I’m pretty sure my last thoughts be
fore being violently squished under some warthog SUV’s wheels will be more like “Oh s**t !”
Anyhow , this skater/flyer chick turns around just in time to see me attempting to avoid her and then she swerves right into my/her path --I’m being magnanimous here -- and she screams right into my face with full frontal spitting furry , “you stupid **** !” Well , that was rude . I kind of giggled , which actually was a full-out chortle , which gave me a Charlie horse so I had to bend over a bit as I ran on down the street . That’s when the squirrel with all his nuts came out from under a shrub and nearly tripped me up . What a psycho-day ! Punk/skater/girl caught a gust in her kite , and that whipped her back around ; I glanced over and saw her overtaking me ; she reached into her fanny pack and I jumped three feet : thought she was reaching for a heater ! No , she starts hurling smurfs at my head . Then she laughs and flips a tattooed mid-finger at me and zooms off down Wisteria in hysterics . Wow , what a dame !
fore being violently squished under some warthog SUV’s wheels will be more like “Oh s**t !”Anyhow , this skater/flyer chick turns around just in time to see me attempting to avoid her and then she swerves right into my/her path --I’m being magnanimous here -- and she screams right into my face with full frontal spitting furry , “you stupid **** !” Well , that was rude . I kind of giggled , which actually was a full-out chortle , which gave me a Charlie horse so I had to bend over a bit as I ran on down the street . That’s when the squirrel with all his nuts came out from under a shrub and nearly tripped me up . What a psycho-day ! Punk/skater/girl caught a gust in her kite , and that whipped her back around ; I glanced over and saw her overtaking me ; she reached into her fanny pack and I jumped three feet : thought she was reaching for a heater ! No , she starts hurling smurfs at my head . Then she laughs and flips a tattooed mid-finger at me and zooms off down Wisteria in hysterics . Wow , what a dame !
Ouch ; I looked down and find baby smurf is biting my ankle ; I shake it off and come back around the block . It took eight point three five minutes and nineteen tenths . I had beaten the old block record by a tenth of a second . Not bad considering all the distractions . The pick-up truck couple were still sitting in the cab , but the doors were open . He , Mr. Lean-on-the-Horn-Honker-doodle-doo, had one pale leg out replete with crumbs and then he spots me : “Hey, blankety blankety blank ! You suck !”
“Yea , you too , Burger King ; can I help you to your front door ; I know where I can borrow a skid loader ?” Sure , we can get you there , but then only explosives will get you through the door into the three bedroom food court built on bed rock with double two by four support beam construction .
The guy’s keys rattle , but he’s not coming after me because he had ketchup on his chin and he pauses too long to lick it off . This is where the third swearing person comes in : An old lady across the street , sitting on her porch swing , swinging , with last weeks T.V. guide . “You *** , **** , **(*****-*****) . This is the umpteenth time you’ve circled 
this block ; you’re making me *****-eth tired .” She knew some old school curse words . Biblical stuff ; in bible-tongue ! I couldn’t even respond , other then to blush , so I pick up the pace and head across the street to Pigeon Street ; the tulip poplars are in bloom there and I had less chance of being mauled . “Ouch ,” I slapped my neck and saw on my hand what I had squished with my strike : Smurfette , squished and oozing blue sap , had crawled up my shirt and started pulling out my neck hair . “Yuck ,” I tossed her into the median strip and jogged away to the Aviary Lawns subdivision and whistled a happy tune .
this block ; you’re making me *****-eth tired .” She knew some old school curse words . Biblical stuff ; in bible-tongue ! I couldn’t even respond , other then to blush , so I pick up the pace and head across the street to Pigeon Street ; the tulip poplars are in bloom there and I had less chance of being mauled . “Ouch ,” I slapped my neck and saw on my hand what I had squished with my strike : Smurfette , squished and oozing blue sap , had crawled up my shirt and started pulling out my neck hair . “Yuck ,” I tossed her into the median strip and jogged away to the Aviary Lawns subdivision and whistled a happy tune .
No comments:
Post a Comment