Tom and Dinosaur Hand present:

Tom & Dinosaur Hand Review!

Movies, and more Movies!

Tom: Hey, Dinosaur Hand, how are you enjoying this snowy January. Oops, doorbell. Hold on a sec, be right back.

Dinosaur Hand: Ho there, he’s gone! Come here Frankie, we’ll do this without him.

Frankenfinger: Yubbajobba! Potato Chip, pork chop.

D.H: First let’s throw out the mamby pamby feel-good stuff, like Green Card. We know he loved it!  So what.
Frankenfinger: Sweet potato fries.
D.H: I say we review some of these awesome science fiction slash fantasy movies. You know, stuff not Oscar-worthy with no redeeming values! What say you, my fine bloody finger friend?
Frankenfinger: Voondervah, don’t burn da wieners!

D.H: First up, an old fantasy from the mid 80’s with Tom Cruise and unicorns and a big ugly demon and fairies and weird impish dudes. Tom said he’d never seen Legend, wanted to know what it was all about.

goofy, impy critters

Frankenfinger: All about poop. Poopy poop, in fact. Me want Cheeto.
D.H: Yes, and very dated and not too good. A Wrinkle in Time was a much-anticipated adaptation of an old kid’s book. It was just okay. Good to see Oprah up and around, eh?
Frankenfinger: OAI! ‘Nuf said.
D.H: I don’t know what that even means. You probably liked Isle of Dogs, didn’t you Frankie? I thought it was mostly stupid, but hey, you can like it, because you know, dogs poop a lot.
Frankenfinger: Sir Poopsalot, that’s my poopy dog!
D.H: And a good one too. Wes Anderson needs to climb out of his goofy pit and join the real world. Blah blah blah. Well, here’s one I did like, it was definitely strange and ultimately apocalyptic. The movie I refer to is… The Lobster! Who knew? This flick was everything but normal.
Frankenfinger: Uh, sure. Me wanna be finger lickin’ chicken. Snarf narf narf. Nom!
D.H: Go on, you nutty bent digit. I don’t know what to say about Under The Skin. There are no words. Oy. Not S. J.’s worst effort, but WTF?

Frankenfinger: Needs more popcorn, an’ butter. OAI! Too much! Gimmie itches in me stitches.
D.H: Again with that acronym! Whatsit? We’ll do one more, before that sappy Tom comes back and wants to review something maudlin, like Benji and Lassie have lunch with Flipper. Gah! I really liked this last one, How to Talk to Girls at Parties. Awesome flick. We gravitated towards it, because it was labeled as science fiction, which I guess it was, kind of.

Who in the hell is Alex Sharp, and why does Nicole look like David Bowie?!

Frankenfinger: Truly, truly OAIs. Where da Whoppers?
D.H: Good night Nellie, enough! What is this OAI shit anyway? Spill it, Frankie.
Frankenfinger: Outrageous Alien Interaction, of course, doofusaur!

D.H: Ah, I get that. This movie was somewhat of a mishmash, but I liked the punk aspect of it, which Tom probably hated. It was sort of a combination of CBGB and ET meets The Munsters. Maybe, don’t know. There was a bicycle at least.  What’s your opinion, Frank?
Frankenfinger: Is there a Coke here anywhere? Me don’t even like movies.
Tom: Okay guys, back atya. It’s go time. 
Tom: Um, what’d I miss?

Tom and Dinosaur Hand review:

A bunch of stuff on the DVR!

Dinosaur Hand: Are you kidding me? Why did we watch so many movies?
Tom: Boredom. We're bored, and look, I hurt my finger!

D.H: Oh, shit. Thanks for not doing that to your Dinosaur Hand!

Tom: Your welcome. Okay, movies. At last count, I think we've watched 12 movies in the last two weeks. Crazy!

D.H: Agreed, and they were just a bunch of flicks that had been on the DVR for awhile. These things needed to be watched. Bad!

Tom: Some of them weren't really good, but I don't think they were bad. Be nice.

D.H: No, I mean, oh heck. Just let's do this. Can I name the movies or what?

Tom: Yeah, we both will. I'll start... First up is Thor: Ragnarok, then Ghost in a Shell, Star Trek Beyond,  Annihilation, and Layer Cake.

D.H: Okay. Also we watched War for the Planet of the Apes, Atomic Blonde, Personal Shopper, Kong: Skull Island, Collateral Beauty, The Age of Adeline, and The Girl on the Train. Cheese, that's a lot!

Tom: Yeah, so which did you like best, Dino?

D.H: Why don't we ask Frankenfinger? Hey, Frankie, feeling better dude? Did you like any of these movies? How about popcorn?

Frankenfinger: Franky like meat, and Ding Dong. Me like itches.

Tom: Bad Idea. The movie I liked best was Annihilation. This was a really surreal film. It was thought provoking, and I will go back and rewatch at some point. It was beautiful to look at, too.

D.H: Yow, it was so confusing and sooo ambiguous. What the hell happened? I don't understand. For me, I liked Atomic Blonde. Man, wow! Guns and cars and punching, bloody fist face punching and exploding faces and hand smacking face crunching faces! 

Atomic Blonde: Face punching fun!

Frankie: Face face face! Bloody face!

Tom: Somehow I knew that would be your choice. My least favorite of these, I think, would have to be Personal Shopper. It was ok. It was weird. Thought provoking surely, but just too slow paced and low budget... Not a lot going on.

D.H: Yeah. Strange. But there were ghosts. Actual Ghosts! So, not my least favorite. Age of Adeline is bottom of the barrel for me. Below the monkeys in the very bottom of the barrel. 

Tom: It was interesting, but not very original. Good choice Dino. Of all these movies, which would you watch again?

D.H: Well, I guess Atomic Blonde, Thor, and Kong. They were violent and funny, and bloody face punching fun! 

Frankenfinger:  Yeah! Bloody face face!

D.H: I like this guy. Can we keep him?

Tom: I liked all of those. I also liked Collateral Beauty. It was funny and sad, and also thought provoking and original. Will Smith is always good. 

D.H: Sure, whatever with provoking thoughts. More movies?

Tom: Let's go!

Tom and Dinosaur Hand review:

The Best movies (that we finally got around to watching) of 2017!

Dinosaur Hand: Geez. We should get out more, eh?

Tom: Sure, but the couch is just sooo comfortable. I looked back to see what we have seen this year, and there were some good movies, and some pretty awful ones. Which do you want to review?

DH: You do the best, I'll do the explosion and gun shooting death flicks. Those movies get my digits wiggling.

Tom: OK. Early in 2017 we got out to see Hidden Figures and La La Land. I know how you feel about musicals Dino...

DH: That jazz guy, he had a cool convertible, but never raced it down an alley way or ran over a bad guy. He never did jazz hands! That movie could have been so much more!

Tom: I liked it. Many didn't, but it had some catchy tunes and it was entertaining. La La Land took a lot of awards. I don't think it will hold up as a great movie though, and i doubt you'll see a resurgence of big budget musicals. Unless Marvel decides to have its superheroes start singing and dancing around. That would be... interesting?

DH: Stupid, that's the word you meant to use. My pick of 2017 is Skull Island!

Tom: That's a good one, Dinosaur Hand.

DH: Get off my review, T. So, this badass movie had choppers getting chomped, and big lizard creatures and bombs and guns. Yeah, all the King Kong stuff you rely on, but none of the suck! Best King Kong remake, so you can skip all that other garbage. Go back and rewatch Fay Wray from 1933 if you have to, but Brie Larson in 2017 kicked monkey butt.

Tom: Except she didn't kick monkey butt, and even if she did, Kong isn't a monkey.

DH: Shut up anyway. Pick another movie.

Tom: Hidden Figures was really good. I liked all the computer spacey stuff and the history and there was fantastic acting. Good casting all around. Sorry Dino, no explosions or anything.

DH: Borrrring. There wasn't even a liftoff, was there? If there was i missed it because I fell asleep in my popcorn. Got a little salt in my eye.

Tom: Good grief.

DH: Next! Blade Runner 2049! Hidden Figures was a science movie, Blade Runner is a science fiction movie! Blam! Pow! Slam dunk, in your chunk, monk!

Tom: ?

DH: I don't know what happened, or why, but it was cool. Was there a wooden sheep too? Cool! Flying cars and blaster shootouts and flying car crashes and robots getting nasty ripping guts and pulling off heads. The sound effects, wow. Ear crunching noises. Weird, but cool. My hand was clenching with excitement.

Tom: I guess you recommend it.

DH: Waiting for Blade Runner 2050, in 2018.

Tom: One more, but I don't consider it A Best Movie, because it sort of wasn't even good. Downsizing, with Matt Damon.

DH: I agree, no explosions or gun fights, and besides all that, it just wasn't all that interesting. Some people got smallercized. So what?

Tom: I know. This movie was like an extra long infomercial, with a bit of social commentary thrown in.

DH: Spoiler Alert: Big time cursing, that was sort of funny, but not as funny as they thought it would be, unless you're really into that sort of thing, which, hey, maybe you are. If you are, then here you go: Poop, poop, poopity poop.

Tom: Yes, on a 5 poop scale, I give Downsizing 4 poops. I don't know for sure what that even means.

DH: Damon's Martian was better. A lot better, and it was full of shit!

Tom: Ha. Oh Dinosaur Hand...

DH: Last review: Get Out. What did you think of that one? It was sort of a horror/suspense movie.

Tom: Yeah, I know, I was there.

DH: Get Out was totally ok. It wasn't really all that scary or even suspenseful, but i liked the premise and it was good enough, and totally watchful. I remember pretty much everything that happened, so it wasn't forgettable.

Tom: Is that your criteria for movies now? Whether or not they're forgettable?

DH: Totally. And if they have lots of violence. So, Get Out was ok by me!

Tom: Thanks, Dinosaur Hand. Hope to see you next year.

DH: Ditto, kerBlam!

Tom & Dinosaur Hand:

Tom and Dinosaur Hand present

Hey, Movies!

Dinosaur Hand: Stop! Before you start looking at your crazy, super eclectic list of movies, let's review something fun!
Tom: Oh. Okay, I like fun too. It's just like sometimes I like movies that make me think and delve deep into the...
D.H: Yeah yeah, blabba blabba. I say cartoons! We have seen a few cartoon in the past six months. Cartoons are FUN!
Tom: Sure. Go ahead then.
D.H: Sweet. Remind me, what cartoons have we seen lately?
Tom: Oh, now you need me. As far as animated features, we've seen a few. Although maybe your viewing could have been a bit foggy through your greasy popcorn fingers.
D.H: Let's not go there.
Tom: I'll rattle off a few, starting with The Lego Movie, Mr. Peabody and Sherman, How to Train your Dragon 2, The Boxtrolls, and Big Hero 6.
D.H: What about Frozen?

Tom: Did you want to admit you saw Frozen?
D.H: I liked Elsa, she was a psycho frozen crazy-ass ice queen bitch. Look at her Eyes!
Tom: Scary. She had mad powers.
D.H: Ooh, ooh! Let me tell you my favoritest of the cartoons. I loved Boxtrolls! Oh, and there was a nutty girl in that movie, too. She was different.
Tom: Winnie? Might you expound a bit? Different?
D.H: Oh, well obviously Winnie is the chick, and she finds Eggs, who is the main character kid who was raised by the Boxtrolls who everyone in the town thinks are dangerous but really aren't so much and Winnie is a bit odd - she is somewhat deranged too, probably has daddy issues- and Winnie likes
danger and gross stuff and helps Eggs ( he wears an egg box ) and I don't want to give anything away, but, everyone lives happily ever after.
Tom: Almost everyone.
D.H: Oh. Yeah, almost everyone. Hee.
Tom: Good movie, stop action. Also Richard Ayoade did the voice of one of the misunderstood thugs. Great voice, funny.
And check out the soundtrack, I especially liked Little Boxes.
Next, did you like The Lego Movie, Dino?
D.H: Are you kidding me? Who didn't? Everything is Awesome!
Tom: Ha, I see what you did there. Lego was pretty manic, way over-the-top, and generally hilarious. It had an Academy Awards nominated song, too.
D.H: Might I say... ridiculous, but Awesome!
Tom: Yes, awesome, and pretty good. If you want to watch one unique animated feature, then this would be the one. It broke a few molds and was intelligent and fun in the process.
D.H: You say process like a smart guy, like it's a hoity toity word or something. I hate it.
Tom: What's next? lotsa movies on the list today.
D.H: Yawn. Um... How to Train your Dragon 2 was fine. It's got dragons - bunches of dragons. Mr. Peabody and Sherman was good. New movie based on an old TV cartoon. Time travel and stuff. Sentimental and fun. Who doesn't like a boy and his dog movies?
Tom: Only this was a dog and his boy. You skipped right by those two. Last review and you can chill, Dino. Big Hero 6; did you like it?
D.H: Uh huh. Disney movie, had all the Disney stuff, like death and cuteness and goofy characters and danger and you know, happy endings. No duckies or kitties. But the robot was fluffy and non-threatening and kind of huggable.

Tom: Yeah, Big Hero was good, but basically formulaic. After seeing this and Frozen, I think Disney has definitely taken a back seat to other studios, like Pixar and even DreamWorks.


D.H: Sure, but what do you know? You're just a shlub with a dinosaur hand!

Tom and Dinosaur Hand:

Tom and Dinosaur Hand present:

Hey, Movies!
Tom: Dinosaur Hand, I think we'll review some, can I say, Mind Bending Movies!
Dinosaur Hand: Hm. You know I prefer car chases, cartoons, and, you know, shapely digits.
Tom: You can pick next time, but today I want to start with Birdman. Birdman stars Micheal Keaton and won a whole slew of Academy Awards.
D.H: That Oscar thingy? Anyway, I sort of liked it. It was kind of a super hero movie, but then again... i guess it wasn't - Birdman was weird. Emma Stone has very nice knuckles, and I can only dream about her toes.

Oh, those eyes!

Tom: Knuckles? You have got to be kidding. Fine, Dino. Birdman wasn't a normal movie, but the camera work and dialogue were outstanding. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen, and every scene was engaging and thought provoking. Edward Norton, while as irritating as ever, was excellent! Everyone was.
D.H: Sure, what else ya got?
Tom: Here's a new favorite: Frequencies. Not to be confused with Frequency, the excellent 2000 "time travel" drama featuring Dennis Quaid.
D.H: Dreamscape! Innerspace! Jaws 3-D!

 this,



not that...

Tom: Frequencies stars nobody I recognize, which is fine. It's an alternate reality type sci-fi movie in which every person has a set frequency which determines their 'luck' in the world. The story revolves around a boy and girl who must limit their time together because their frequencies don't jive.
D.H: That's unfortunate.
Tom: Truly. And so the story goes, and is retold from several angles, with a few twists thrown in. Frequencies is a bit weird, and the most mind bending of the films we've seen for awhile. Loved it.
D.H: Huh. Not enough car chases. Not any, in fact. Some stuff fell out of the sky once. That WAS weird, so yeah. Weird.
Tom: Weird, but not the strangest. Horns takes that prize!
D.H: Oh yea, that was cool, and oh so really really gross and disgusting and wow! Harry Potter is such a potty mouth! With horns -Horny Potty Potter!
Tom: I know. Daniel Radcliff and Juno Temple starred. I've seen Temple in a few obscure movies which I enjoyed, notably Mr. Nobody, and Radcliff has been good in everything lately. The Woman in Black was a very good period thriller.

"oh, Harry..."

D.H: In Horns, Harry Potter grows horns, and he looks evil, and people don't seem to be bothered that he has the horns, and everyone thinks he killed his girlfriend, and they all seem to tell their darkest secrets to him when he is around. Well, Harry is bothered greatly by it all and I guess he acts up a bit. He's going through some tough times. Poor little guy.
Tom: First off, you twit, he is not Harry Potter! And yes, he is upset and vulgar and violent through much of the movie. I wouldn't say I enjoyed Horns, but I would definitely recommend it - Horns was quite a ride.
D.H: Next week, How to Train your Dragon 2 and Quest for Fire! I like fire breathing dragons and naked cave girls.
Tom: In that case we should also watch Dragonheart III, even though it probably sucks.
D.H: Thank you!

Tom and Dinosaur Hand present:

Movie Reviews!

Tom: Hi Dinosaur Hand, what have you been up to, old friend?
Dinosaur Hand: If I told you, then I'd have to...
Tom: Yea, yea. I know, you would have to kill me. What do you say we do some movie reviews in that vein, then?
DH: Now you're talking my language. Rat-a-tat-tat, Boom, sucka!
Tom: We'll have to go back pretty far, Dino. About a year. Why don't you start?
DH: Cool. I really dug Jack Reacher, that movie had everything. It had cars and guns, a smokin' hot chick and a creepy bad ass villain.

Tom: Not to mention Tom Cruise, who is pretty bad ass himself. If we could clone Tom Cruise and send them all off in opposite direction, they would cure all the world's woes in a week.
DH: Two weeks, tops. Awesome movie. Woo, Woo, Woo, Woo Woo!
Tom: Wow, five woos, impressive. I concur. Next?

DH: So, if it's killing you want, how about Violet and Daisy? There was some nice killing in that, and cute chicks, too.
Tom: I remember that. A quirky little murder movie. Violet and Daisy was very unrealistic, but sort of fun. It starred Saoirse Ronan and was one of James Gandolfini's last movies.

DH: Yea yea, about these two tweeny girls who take jobs just to make money for buying fancy dresses for parties and stuff. Silly stuff, but funny too.
Tom: And their hit on Gandolfini doesn't go quite as expected. I don't know about this movie...
DH: Boom, blam, Woooo.
Tom: OK, sort of three and a half stars then?

DH: World War Z was epic!
Tom: I would have to agree, somewhat. Brad Pitt gives his usual fine performance, somehow escaping time after time from inescapable situations.
DH: And he saves the day! Here's a scene where he wins the battle of senior citizen day in the local Kroger.

Tom: Ha. Dino, you are such a goof.
DH: I know, right? Do we have time for another? Something out of the ordinary?
Tom: Sure, how about Detention? Do you remember that one?
DH: Pow, do I ever! That was a hum dinger, dude!
Tom: I didn't know what to expect from Detention. It starred Josh Hutcherson and Shanley Caswell. I don't know either of them, but the guy was in Hunger Games.
DH: Cute gal, but of course she was supposed to be the plain jane chick in the movie. Gimmie a break. I love a good slasher flick!
Tom: The movie started out very violent, very slasherie, but then got really very very strange, but in a good way. The main guy reminded me of a Ferris Bueller type. He was cocky in a likeable way.
DH: Oh, that type...

Tom: In the end, Detention was extreme Breakfast Club on steroids with an acid trip thrown in.
DH: You mean, like pepper in the soup?
Tom: What?
DH: Too much pepper. It makes you sneeze.
Tom: Go back to sleep dinosaur Hand.

Dinosaur Hand presents...

Dinosaur Hand: That's a jolly good title!

Tom and Dinosaur Hand preview 3 movies!

D.H: Hey, why do I always come second?
Tom: So, Dino; what do you say we preview a couple science fiction movies today?
D.H: I say, whatever.
Tom: Oh, c'mon. We've recently watched few. Go ahead, you can set it up.
D.H: Me? Oh joy. Okay... First is Upside Down, then Dredd (wow powie!), and last and maybe least (ha!) is Captain America.
Tom: Good job. Alright, Upside Down starred Jim Sturgess and Kirsten Dunst.
D.H: Sounds like 2/3s of a law firm. You know, like Sturgess, Grouper and Dunst? I'd hire them, for sure.
Tom: Back to the movie... I thought it was, well, just O.K. The scenery and images were fantastic, and the idea was sort of cool...
D.H: But c'mon already; the concept is outlandish and beyond improbable. It's impossibly stupid!
Tom: The filmography reminded me of Minority Report. Very blue. Nice effect.

D.H: So that's an 'eh'. Next up, and it's a humdinger! is Dredd. Dredd was AllRightByMe!
Tom: Sure, it was good. Sort of a remake of an old Stallone movie, but other than the stolen name, not similar at all.
D.H: Oh wow. Lasers and explosions and all sorts of blood and guts and nasty ass killing and bad guys and the hot psychic chick who never wore her helmet. They never wear their helmets!

Tom: Olivia Thirby. Fine, I get it. Also starred Karl Urban, who is in everything. He gets to star in this movie, and does a fine job. Dredd's not the best I've seen, but these days the sci-fi fare is pretty weak, so I'll give it a thumbs up. Last movie Dinosaur Hand?

D.H: It's about time. I'm ready to go gnosh on some cookies.
Tom: Me too.
D.H: Captain America!
Tom: Indeed. Another super hero movie.
D.H: Yawn.
Tom: That's all for now. We know there have been some other science fiction movies released lately, but me and Dino haven't gotten around to viewing them.
D.H: Get on that, you!
Tom: Hasta la vista,
D.H: Baby!

Tom and Dinosaur Hand review...

Tom and Dinosaur Hand review: Argo, Lincoln, Life of Pi and The Hobbit.

Dinosaur Hand: Ay caramba, el Tomas! That's a load o'movies!

Tom: I know, Dino. We don't usually see so many new movies, and these were all in the theater, so I guess things are looking up for us.

D.H: Heh, not our bank accounts.

Tom: I think of the four movies, Argo had to be my favorite. Ben Affleck directed and starred, and I gotta say: he knocked it out of the ballpark.

D.H: Yeah, I really liked the part with Sammy Sosa. This was very cool, and all of the explosions and gun runners and drug dealers getting whacked...Steven Seagal in his kimono twisting that machete into his guts...masterful.

Tom: What? Good lord, wrong movie, and Sammy Sosa? Wtf?

D.H: Your baseball metaphor threw me off...like maybe it was an interception, or a butt fumble...I don't know!

Tom: Obviously, Dino, this wasn't your type of movie. It was suspenseful, but not what you'd call violent...I thoroughly enjoyed it however, and so did the two old ladies sitting behind us who couldn't keep their mouths shut, probably because their hearing was shot and they didn't know how loud they were talking.

D.H: Damn, I hate going to movies!





Tom: Next up, a Steven Spielberg movie, and how can you go wrong with Spielberg?

D.H: The man who brought us Jaws, and E.T., and of course Jurassic Park...I jumped clean out of my skin when that T-Rex ate the lawyer! Then I laughed my ass off!

Tom: Right, and he directed great movies like Schindler's List and Saving Private Ryan. Look up his filmography – wow.

D.H: He was the executive producer of Used Cars!

Tom: Um. I enjoyed that. Anyway...Lincoln. Wow, what a wonderfully great movie. And Daniel Day-Lewis gave what is arguably the best performance of his life. I didn't really like (at all) the last couple of movies he was in...but Lincoln was superb.

D.H: There Will be Blood! Where was it?

Tom: C'mon, Dinosaur Hand! Really; this was about politics and the 13^th Amendment, wheeling and dealing in Washington D.C...and Lincoln's woebegone life! It was quite immense. The human parts with his child, and his inconsolably demented wife were so...real.

D.H: Blither. Blither and blather. Blither blather...blah blah blah blah, bleh. And not even any popcorn. Swimming in a sea of popcorn, glub blub, blub.

Dinosaur Hand: I liked Life of Pi! The tiger was pretty awesome. But really, it should have eaten that kid. And there weren't enough shark battles!

Tom: Oh. This is the first movie I've seen in 3-D since Avatar, and if you haven't seen Avatar in 3-D, well then, don't bother seeing Avatar.

D.H: Yeah, that was very cool in 3-D. Totally, dude. Notice the rad hand gesture?

Tom: Indeed. The Life of Pi was interesting. The 3-D didn't add much, but it was visually beautiful to watch. The special effects were amazing. I've read the book...

D.H: Enough about “reading the book”, I know you're going to say the book was better. Some of us don't read, you know.

Tom: Actually, the movie and the book were pretty much the same. I remember liking the book, but not enough to ever reread it, so you may as well see the movie. It was good. Not great.

Dinosaur Hand: Okay, OK, my turn, my pick, the next movie and the last one we saw...was:

Tom: The Hobbit.

D.H: Bah! You stole my thunder!

Tom: I'm about to do more than that. This movie was a major neck aching, butt scrunching, back tweaking yawner.

D.H: But, the dwarfs!

Tom: Who cares. What were their names, who could keep track of them? Sleepy, Sneezy...Dopey?

D.H: Unfair! The orcs! And Gollum!

Tom: I was sooo disappointed in this movie. Everything was over the top... the action scene in the goblin caverns was completely utterly hokum...they made Bilbo into a hero too early – he was doing courageous things that he never succumbed to in Tolkien's magical book. I found myself laughing at the stupidity of the movie more and more every next scene. Peter Jackson, you should have relied on your story telling skills more than Weta Digital's mind numbing special effects. I left the theater with a crick in my neck – because I was holding my head up trying not to fall asleep (though I ought to have let sleep take me) – and an overwhelming feeling of nauseousness.

D.H: But, the eagles, and Gandalf...The Ring!

Tom: Of course there were a few nice parts, but the movie was awash with utter bunk and chaos. And good grief, there are to be two more!? Count me out.

D.H: Are you saying you didn't like The Hobbit, then?

Tom: Go soak yourself in a dish of Palmolive, Dinosaur Hand. We will not be furthering the dismal efforts of Peter Jackson any more.

Stick to the cartoon...it also sucked, but was a lot shorter.

Tom & Dinosaur Hand present:

Movie Reviews!

Dinosaur Hand: I think a lot of time has passed since our last review.

Tom: Right, we've seen a few movies. But let's keep it down to four movies for now.

D.H: Can I pick? Oh please oh please!

Tom: Yup.

D.H: OK; Prometheus, of course, and Lockout. How about Hunger Games too...What else?

Tom: Let's do Woman in Black, we just watched it on DVD a couple nights ago. This film starred Daniel Radcliffe...

D.H: Harry, Harry Potter?

Tom: Yeah, and others, but not too many recognizable faces. His wife is played by the beautiful Sophie Stuckey who gets next to no screen time. This is horror, and psychological thriller. These days it's all about the twist, ala M. Night, but there's not a real big ninety degree angle at the end of Woman in Black.

D.H: how about isosceles?

Tom: Whoa. I'm too far gone from basic trig to even remember what that is Dino. Anyway, Radcliffe plays a Victorian paper pusher whose job is on the line, who lost his wife and is raising his young son with the help of a nanny. The son sees and draws his father as a very sad man, and for much of the film Radcliffe plays it close to the vest. I've always found him rather emotionless, and the character Arthur Kipps is driven only to succeed, expression isn't required to keep up a plodding existence. His son is lonely and pines for his sad father, but the job is the only way to keep the family together.

D.H: Yeah, and the job is deadly, dude! Creepy deepy.

Tom: Right. Woman in Black meanders through dark and ugly avenues the first half, then plunges deep into horror. It's a little bit Ghost Story and little bit The Others with some good old fashioned ghouls and gaunt faced children thrown in just to make you throw a pillow up over your eyes.

D.H: It was alright. Sort of a yawner.

Doesn't she look grand in black?

Tom: Anything without guns chicks and explosions is a sleeper for you, Dino. But I liked it well enough. If you're a fan of the genre, then Woman in Black is a safe bet. I just wish Radcliffe could have channeled some more of his inner Jack Nicholson in the wrap up. Satisfying ending, see it.

D.H: Hunger Games was sort of cool. But it wasn't bloody enough.

Tom: I know, but it was taken very faithfully from a book written mostly for the young adult crowd and it had to have a PG-13 rating. Still, there was plenty of violence. The subject matter demanded death, and death of children to boot. Hunger Games is set in a typical dystopian world where a big evil head seems to dictate what the masses do. I keep thinking John Hurt, he's the perfect big talking head, but in Hunger Games big brother was played by Donald Sutherland. The cast was deep, played over the top by the likes of Stanley Tucci and Elizabeth Banks. Surprisingly Woody Harrelson was a fairly mild mannered drunk. He comes into play more in the following chapters, I imagine. Yes, this is a trilogy, and the first book is the best. I hope the movies will only improve.

D.H: More flaming arrows, please. Katniss is a cutey pie.

Tom: Hunger Games was fine. It was alright. It's worth seeing. Didn't raise the bar and wasn't epic.

D.H: Next...

hunky spaceguy, hot spacechick

Tom: What can I say about Lockout?

D.H: Me. Me me me me me. Fast paced, space stuff, guns, running around and explosions. Hot sweaty space chick, quirky surly bad asses, one liners, no way outs and ridiculous stunts.

Tom: Yeah, Lockout was supposed to be some kind of updated Snake Plissken Escape from NY vehicle, and while I love Guy Pierce to pieces, I don't think the material was there to back him up.

D.H: Yar, he was buff and snarly.

Tom: I can't say enough how good an actor Pierce is. Maybe see Lockout just for him, but honestly I'm surprised he took the part. Maybe he wants to become more mainstream, pump up the old resume, become an A-lister, make a billion before fate strikes him down.

D.H: Mortality man, it's a bummer. Look at these lines on me man, the veins...I gots crinkly fingers, rawr!

Tom: You're pruny, Dino. Lotion up. So, I can't recommend Lockout, even if Dino's getting a cramp thinking about Maggie Grace.

D.H: Big Event, Prometheus! Pow!

Tom: Right, this movie had to be major anticipation for summer movies. The Alien franchise was just begging for something so grand and so epic to come along. And in its way, it was epic.

D.H: Yeah, gnarly gritty space stuff, and creatures, and messy bloody gargling gooieness.

Tom: Um. Not enough scary creatures, considering what's come before. Not enough space and isolation, not enough horror or thrills or sweaty trepidation...

D.H: Eh. We needed more Ripley.

wowz

Tom: I guess the cast was alright. The robot guy was awesome. He was epic. Charlize Theron was cute in her trim fitting captain's uniform. She simply wasn't bad ass enough, there weren't any convincing madmen, just an evil past that seems to have caught up to humanity. Is humanity inherently evil? I guess it's built into the DNA and our destiny is set. I won't delve any deeper into it, there is a lot of mystery build into Prometheus, and I'm pretty sure we fans of the saga would rather have satisfying conclusions and outright scares over more questions and stupidity.

D.H: Uh-huh, he said Stupid!

Tom: Sorry, Prometheus is just a little bit dumb. Still, if you're a big fan of the Alien saga, then it's a must see. So, see it. But expect to be disappointed.

c'mon, wouldn't it be cooler if they had kept their helmets on?

Dinosaur Hand, Superbowl party!

Tom & Dinosaur Hand
review....
Superbowl XLVI, New York Giants at New England Patriots
in Indianapolis, Indiana!

Dinosaur Hand: Woo woo wooooo. Indiana rules.
Tom: In which, we will review the whole of the event, from coin toss to commercials to actual football.
D.H: Yup. How about all the football players singing “Did I ever tell you you're my Hero” to common folk...good commercial?
Tom: Sure. Fun, heart warming, cute. Good Hoosier stuff there. Then we go right into America the Beautiful, sung nicely with a country tilt by a couple of people I've never seen before in my life.
D.H: Is Indiana considered country?
Tom: I never thought so. Ask John Cougar Mellencamp. The National Anthem is a big song, sung big by Kelly Clarkson – backed by military drum corp and a bunch of kids.
D.H: She sing good. Okay, big coin toss, and Patriots win it!
Tom: They defer, no surprise there. Tee it up, let's get on with it!
D.H: Break! I liked the Hyundai commercial, with the Rocky theme song. Clever.
Tom: Whoops, missed the opening drive; Toby wanted to play with his squeaky ball.
D.H: I saw it...Manning sacked twice, and too far out for a field goal attempt...Giants kick it away. Tom: Hey, Audi has a headlight commercial with Vampires partying. Cool, kill 'em all! Elton John gets the big heave ho in a Pepsi ad.
D.H: Kind of weird that; why was he dressed up like a king?
Tom: Patriots give up 2 points on a safety – intentional grounding while in the end zone. Never seen that before. Sort of hard to explain.
D.H: Then the Giants put together a great drive...Manning to Cruz, Touch Down! (9-0).
Tom: Guess I'll have to try Bud Platinum. Naked M&M's, not funny. Stupid Coca Cola Polar Bear commercial.
D.H: Oh man! The Chevy truck Armageddon Ad, that was classic. Loved it!
Tom: Crap – Toby, Tami, an ear bud cord and a ring are all tangled up and it looks like trouble.
D.H: Time Out!
Tom: More ads: Impact tremors, Lexus, whatever.
D.H: Liam Neeson – Battleship movie preview, could be cool.
Tom: Giants force a 4th down, Patriots kick a field goal. (9-3).
D.H: Doritos as a bribe, burying a cat? Haha. G.E. Has some impressive shtuff: “they make the power that makes the beer.” Got it. The John Carter Disney movie doesn't look all that good.
Tom: I hope it is. Ooh, The Lorax; I remember the book. Ha, fat dog gets in shape to chase a VW bug. Nice.
D.H: Giants are contained, they kick it away. Patriots get a touchback.
Tom: Another polar bear commercial. Eh, not bad, Coke still sucks. Patriots punt again, 8 minutes left in 2nd quarter.
D.H: Now Giants punt, great punt! Ball on the 4 with 4 minutes to go.
Tom: Toby's out cold. Star Wars in 3-D. Woop-de-doo.
D.H: Patriots work their way out of the endzone.
Tom: Another super hero movie? Avengers, hmm. Sketchers ad, love that high jumpin' doggie. Brady continues to move the chains. Time out.
D.H: Bungee Baby Doritos! Wow, weee. Bruce Willis as G.I. Joe? Ridiculous.
Tom: Brady has all day to throw the ball, touch down, extra point. (10-9, N.E.) Halftime, Madonna.
D.H: Hey, that old broad still got some moves. Ooh ooh yeah. Hand jive.
Tom: 2nd half, New England comes back onto the field feeling strong, scores easily. (17-9).
D.H: Boring ads. Giants kick a 3 point field goal. (17-12), gotta hold 'em N.Y.
Tom: Injury time out: Fiat, sexy. Pepsi Max for life, eh. Toyota, reinvented...ooh. Polar bears, again? John Stamos and yogurt....Acura, Seinfeld, Leno and an alien (hahaha).
D.H: Brady sacked, 4th down, defense!
Tom: Budweiser, of course. Bridgestone quiet basketballs. Neh.
D.H: Oops, Giants fumble, they recover. Driving, nuts! 4th down, field goal. (17-15).
Tom: Brady breaks a tackle, throws down field to a gimpy Gronkowski...interception!
D.H: Giants can't convert, have to punt, 9:30 to go.
Tom: Kia, really? Monkeys?
D.H: ooh ah ah.
Tom: Patriots get ball, injury time out, more ads, 7:33, nice play, 1st down New England.
D.H: Stopped! Punt. Giants have the ball with 3:46 and one time out.
Tom: Cheese, what a throw, what a catch! 2 minute warning, Giants in field goal range...
D.H: The Puppy Bowl is on Animal Planet.
Tom: Change the channel back!
D.H: Giants running the ball, running down the clock. 1st down and goal, 1:07.
Tom: Touchdown! Bradshaw tries to stop before goal line, falls in for 6 points!
D.H: Going for 2, stopped. (21-17) with 57 seconds to go...exciting!
Tom: Yeah. Kick off, Patriots ball on the 20 yard line – 57 seconds to go 80 yards.
D.H: 2 passes by Brady, 2 drops. Brady sacked! Time out, egad!
Tom: 4th and long, 39 seconds. Brady breaks the tackle, throws - 1st down!
D.H: And another first down, spike ball to stop the clock, 17 seconds.
Tom: Penalty, replay 2nd down, 9 ticks.
D.H: No catch, 3rd down, Hail Mary throw to the end zone....
Tom: oh jeez...
D.H: No play, ball in the air, on the ground, game over!
Tom: Wow.
D.H: Giants win the pennant, Giants win the pennant!
Tom: Wrong sport, different team, you goob.
D.H: Oh. Can I go to bed now?

Giants win 21 – 17.
wow wow wow.

Dinosaur Hand movie review

Tom & Dinosaur Hand present:

French Films. “Oh non!”
Tom: I have been rather engrossed in foreign film lately, and have watched a few noteworthy ones,
Dinosaur Hand: and some that are rather mauvaise.
Tom: What is that you are doing, Dino? It is sort of obscene.
D.H: I am expressing my opinion on your recent choice of movies.
Tom: Point taken. We have seen some modern foreign films, like Amelia and Castaway on the Moon that we're really very good. And some others like The Good, the Bad, the Weird and I'm a Cyborg, but That's Ok that were alright.
D.H: Hey, I liked the cyborg one. Especially the parts where she machine guns everybody to death. Rat-a-tat-tat!
Tom: The last two we watched were French, and classics from the 60's, from the great French directors Jean-Luc Godard and Ingmar Bergman.
D.H: Alphaville and Persona...ack phooie.
Tom: We watched Persona first. I found it very engrossing,and the acting was superb. Dino, did you understand it...at all?
D.H: Pas.
Tom: You don't have to speak in French. You can just shake or nod, or sulk. I promise we'll watch some crazy car chasing gun toting animal mauling slug fest next.
D.H: Oui.
Tom: While I didn't totally understand Persona, I still enjoyed it, and actually I'm pretty sure it's not meant to be totally understood.
D.H: Oh, there's a ringing endorsement. “Go see this movie, because it's unfathomable!” Ding dong.
Tom: Fine. So, Alphaville was totally different. It was quirky as hell, I guess a sci-fi thriller, but with almost no science fiction, or special effects. It was mostly mind bending, I guess...a psychological thriller.
D.H: It's a 60's art film. Gads. It was twisted. It reminded me of something stupid you'd think of. Quack.
Tom: I love you too.
D.H: Ha! I'll bet you think that was original. You twit, she said it herself at the end. But I did like the little joke she told, though I have no idea what it had to do with anything...it was about the 1:19 mark.
Tom: Weirdo. Well, I liked it. It was, to say the least, different. Now, let's find something with lots of bright colors and explosions, right?
Dinosaur Hand: Talk to the hand!

Tom & Dinosaur Hand review...

Tom: I just realized, it's been around 4 months since we've done one of these things, Dino.
Dinosaur Hand: Really? Did we stop watching movies or something?
Tom: You always want to watch reruns of 30 Rock.
D.H: heee! Tracy Jordan was wearing a big claw hand today!
Tom: How about we review two movies tonight? You pick 'em.
D.H: Something frightening for sure, because it's Halloween soon!
Tom: O.K. We just saw Pandorum, and how about Let Me In?
D.H: That Swedish movie? With the Swedish kids? Speaking Swedish?
Tom: Go figure.
D.H: Vampire movie, boo! I really liked the end of it though, with the head and arms and the...
Tom: There was some blood in this movie, Dinosaur Hand. There is also an American version of this, and I've heard that it's good, also...if you don't like reading subtitles. Actually, I liked this movie. The child actors were good in it, and there was enough going on to make it interesting. And yeah, the ending was quite good, and unexpected.
D.H: See It! Add your own explosion noises, because there are no car chases. Nuts.
Tom:Did you like Pandorum?
D.H: Wow, yeah, it was gory and dark and had some monstrous creature things!
Tom: Sure, they reminded me a bit of some sort of Hellraiser/zombie monsters. At the start they were scarier though, filmed in a weird stutter action in the shadows...
D.H: Then they went all hack and slash and kung fu! Awesome. And it was all in space, dude.
Tom: Honestly, I really preferred the first Alien movie to this, nothing beat that for suspense and terror. But this was a decent space flick. You'll have to overlook a lot of technical stuff, but if you're into horror and science fiction, you'll probably enjoy this. It's not great, merely acceptable. The ending is interesting, a neat twist.
D.H: In space, no one can hear you slobber!
Tom: Ridiculous.
D.H: Shut up.

Dinosaur Hand is Post Apocalyptic

Dinosaur Hand: Hey, look at me. I'm a disembodied haaaaand!
Tom: Ooh, spooky.
D.H: Hee hee. Did I frighten you?
Tom: Today me and Dino are going to review some Post Apocalyptic movies that we've seen over the last few months.
D.H: Get this...as of late there have been a plethora.
Tom: Nice word.
D.H: yeah, yeah. Plethora. Plethoraaaaa.
Tom: You really know how to make things sound dirty, Dinosaur Hand.
D.H: Ha, I know!
Tom:Anyway, you're right. There have been a lot of these, and we've picked three to review. They are: Monsters, The Road, and The Book of Eli. So, Dino, where do you want to start?
D.H: At the beginning. Duh.

Tom: Alright, smart ass. Monsters. It's a bit slow moving.
D.H: Dull, actually. The stars are mostly uninteresting.
Tom: Yep. They're frankly mundane, not pretty, and as imaginative as a spelunking gopher.
D.H: The monster I assume is what the film is supposedly named for? You know, Monsters? Really?
Tom: We see glimpses of the monsters and their spawn throughout the film. At different times they show up and wreak havoc, but off camera. Finally at the end you get to see them and I guess they are pretty spectacular.
D.H: I think the monsters are doin' it!
Tom: Could be. If you have to see it, skip to the end and just watch the monster special effects. Kind of cool.
D.H: It's the Monster Mash!
Tom: I was thinking of linking the trailer, but I won't bother.
D.H: And you shouldn't either. Doo whacka doo.

Tom: Now, as far as The Road....
D.H: zzzzz.
Tom: Oh, I don't know. It was alright. This movie starred Vigo Mortensen and some kid. The acting was fine.
D.H: Oh, oh. And CharlizeTheron! She's sooooo hot.
Tom: Oops, I forgot. She's in it, mostly flashbacks. A lot of flashbacks. This movie was based on a best selling book. I guess the premise is good. The world is coming to end and things will never be the same, and somehow we just go on living.
D.H: It is what it is.
Tom: Yep...either move ahead or lay down and die.
D.H: Don't stop or you'll get run over!
Tom: Tomorrow is another day.
D.H: They'll eat you!
Tom: It was just OK.

D.H: Did we like The Book of Eli? Did we, did we?
Tom: I did. Denzel Washington is as excellent as always and of the three, this was really by far the best.
D.H: Better villains. And Road Warrior stuff. Varoom.
Tom: Sure. It was much more mainstream and not amateurish, like Monsters.
D.H: All the way through you're like, 'hey, what's the big deal...it's a bible, dude.'
Tom: Exactly. It turns into a quest sort of a movie, and every player ends up having a significant role, and all is revealed in the end.
D.H: Fas-ki-nating.
Tom: I liked it.
D.H: No zombies, though.
Tom: I'm sorry. Should we have reviewed Zombieland instead?
D.H: That was Awesome !!!