ridiculous hat

I wear my hat in a most obsequious manner
for hats do not become me.
My hair is thick
they serve no practical use
do these hats.
My running cap is light
but heavily stained with salty sweat deposits.
My top hat is over heavy
and topples off.
A yellow hard hat
to wear in the ocean
is Nerf as a flotation device;
it attracts toothy sea life.
Hats are a tool for this fool.
My hammer head hat
is clawed for maximum effect.
Affected, some call me,
when I lay on the couch
and pay for advice
in my thinking cap.
For special occasions
I wear my sombrero and dance
la Cucaracha in boxers.
Napoleon in his bicorne
was insane, I prefer the tricorne
so am 50% madder,
if my math is correct,
mad as the Mad Hatter,
thereabouts.